So much of
what we do is that thin line between abuse and not abuse. I once asked the question at an AEL munch I
was presenting at “what separates BDSM from abuse”? The answer “consent”. Well, yes and no. Just because someone
consents to something does not mean that it is not abuse.
It just means that
the bottom consented to what they thought it would be. It starts as consent in
the beginning and then turns into coercion over time. So the idea that the possibility
that the bottom is being abused becomes muddled in the emotions of “I said it
was ok”, “I agreed to this”, and onto “I deserve this”, and “My Top knows when
to stop/knows what is right”. But the training
starts to come with an uneasy feeling. Something a person can’t really put
their finger on at first.
So what brings
this conversation to a head is the excellent Wet Munch presentation by Atolla on
behavioral conditioning. This is a tricky thing. How do we take something that we in BDSM,
every day, IE behavioral conditioning, and separate it from something abusive?
After all, behavioral
conditioning is what abusers do. A smack here, a degrading word there, an
explosion of emotion that the partner is responsible for and pays the price by
taking a beating. This can go either
way.
How it is
that different from what reasonable BDSM players do? Using play, scening, punishments,
and, yes, manipulation to create a different emotional response to behavior is
at the core of a lot of what we do. Just because the bottom consents, do not mean
that it isn’t abusive.
Atolla
brought up a very powerful point in her talk.
She said that it was her responsibility to make sure that her bottoms were
capable and able to function well in their other/next relationships (assuming
that they don’t stay together). For her, the line of what separates behavioral conditioning
from abuse came down to: is she destroying the person or creating something
that they as bottoms can build on in the future?
Powerful
point.
When I take
the idea of behavioral training apart- this is what I think makes it healthy,
and separates it from abuse.
1) If the
focus is on changing behavior and NOT controlling emotion. (You can train
someone how to properly serve tea; you can’t train someone to enjoy it.)
2) If the training
is about something that the bottom can legitimately control. (A bottom cannot control
how a Top feels- behavioral training that is centered on how changing the Top
feels is abuse.)
3) If the
training is consensual to the point where the bottom can stop it at any time
and is encouraged to do so. (Training that the bottom cannot stop
that is made to take the bottom down,
push buttons, or force a break is not training. That is using the bottom as an emotional
punching bag.)
4) The
training makes the bottom feels more successful, empowered, and connected to
themselves and their Top. Not just the first time, but every time. (It is easy to
get swept up in the emotions of a new relationship and have that carry the
bottom. It is another thing entirely to do training sessions that have the same
empowering feel six years later.)
Healthy training
means that: Bottoms looks forward to their training, are successful because of
their training, and have a greater sense of self esteem because of their training.
So how does
this fit with an M/s dynamic? Where the feelings of the Master are the drive of
the relationship. Well, good question.
Just because
I am a Master does not mean that I am not accountable for me. How I feel
is still my responsibility. My slave signed up to serve, she did not sign up to
be accountable for things she cannot control. Serving me does NOT mean that I
am always right, it does not mean that
she is responsible for making me feel
good, and it does not mean that
she is to take whatever I dish out just because
she is my slave.
It does mean
that together we love, flourish, and grow in our dynamic. It means that both of
us are better people became of it. It does mean that we enjoy our dynamic because
it isn’t used to stop our growth as people.
The control that I have is over the things that make me happy, and
seeing her flourish and grow makes me happy.
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