I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html
Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us
I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information! The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!
If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are interested in active online community please find:
Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:
Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers
Albuquerque Master/slave forum
New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More
Friday, August 19, 2016
The Do’s and Don’ts of Behavioral Conditioning
So much of what we do is that thin line between abuse and not abuse. I once asked the question at an AEL munch I was presenting at “what separates BDSM from abuse”? The answer “consent”. Well, yes and no. Just because someone consents to something does not mean that it is not abuse.
It just means that the bottom consented to what they thought it would be. It starts as consent in the beginning and then turns into coercion over time. So the idea that the possibility that the bottom is being abused becomes muddled in the emotions of “I said it was ok”, “I agreed to this”, and onto “I deserve this”, and “My Top knows when to stop/knows what is right”. But the training starts to come with an uneasy feeling. Something a person can’t really put their finger on at first.
So what brings this conversation to a head is the excellent Wet Munch presentation by Atolla on behavioral conditioning. This is a tricky thing. How do we take something that we in BDSM, every day, IE behavioral conditioning, and separate it from something abusive?
After all, behavioral conditioning is what abusers do. A smack here, a degrading word there, an explosion of emotion that the partner is responsible for and pays the price by taking a beating. This can go either way.
How it is that different from what reasonable BDSM players do? Using play, scening, punishments, and, yes, manipulation to create a different emotional response to behavior is at the core of a lot of what we do. Just because the bottom consents, do not mean that it isn’t abusive.
Atolla brought up a very powerful point in her talk. She said that it was her responsibility to make sure that her bottoms were capable and able to function well in their other/next relationships (assuming that they don’t stay together). For her, the line of what separates behavioral conditioning from abuse came down to: is she destroying the person or creating something that they as bottoms can build on in the future?
When I take the idea of behavioral training apart- this is what I think makes it healthy, and separates it from abuse.
1) If the focus is on changing behavior and NOT controlling emotion. (You can train someone how to properly serve tea; you can’t train someone to enjoy it.)
2) If the training is about something that the bottom can legitimately control. (A bottom cannot control how a Top feels- behavioral training that is centered on how changing the Top feels is abuse.)
3) If the training is consensual to the point where the bottom can stop it at any time and is encouraged to do so. (Training that the bottom cannot stop that is made to take the bottom down, push buttons, or force a break is not training. That is using the bottom as an emotional punching bag.)
4) The training makes the bottom feels more successful, empowered, and connected to themselves and their Top. Not just the first time, but every time. (It is easy to get swept up in the emotions of a new relationship and have that carry the bottom. It is another thing entirely to do training sessions that have the same empowering feel six years later.)
Healthy training means that: Bottoms looks forward to their training, are successful because of their training, and have a greater sense of self esteem because of their training.
So how does this fit with an M/s dynamic? Where the feelings of the Master are the drive of the relationship. Well, good question.
Just because I am a Master does not mean that I am not accountable for me. How I feel is still my responsibility. My slave signed up to serve, she did not sign up to be accountable for things she cannot control. Serving me does NOT mean that I am always right, it does not mean that she is responsible for making me feel good, and it does not mean that she is to take whatever I dish out just because she is my slave.
It does mean that together we love, flourish, and grow in our dynamic. It means that both of us are better people became of it. It does mean that we enjoy our dynamic because it isn’t used to stop our growth as people.
The control that I have is over the things that make me happy, and seeing her flourish and grow makes me happy.