Not every class goes well.

I taught a BDSM 101 class this week. There was a great group of people, but I just didn’t feel that I did well. I am very much used to people learning to connect with their crotch at this class. For me beginning BDSM is about having your fantasies come to life. So  one of the things that I do with  the hands on  part is I have people start acting on  their fantasies and once they  start understanding how their fantasies have a place in the real  world -it usually goes from  there. 

I am very used to the end of the class being full of red, flushed faces, moans, and heavy breathing as people leave quickly. I teach  BDSM 101 as a hands on because I believe that BDSM is like driving a car, I can  talk  all  day long, but unless you have your hands in  it a little you won’t really know what it is about. I also believe that a lot of things like protocol, flags, and more in depth terminology a person can learn on their own depending on how far they want to continue their BDSM journey. 

BDSM 101 as hands on is a risk- but starting in BDSM is a risk, so doing it in front of someone who can answer questions I feel can be a good place to start. 

This time though, I just walked away feeling like- feeling like- I had failed somehow.

In the group there was really only one person that I felt walked out confident, while I felt that every ones else seemed to really struggle and become more emotionally confused. Maybe I am over thinking things a little bit, maybe it was ok. But honestly, I needed to feel that it was OK. I know that everyone that walks into the class will understand BDSM in varying degrees, and I say in the beginning this is just the door.

I give the analogy that BDSM is a whole country with many states, and every state has its own dress, language, flag, and behavioral expectations. I explain that BDSM is a huge, wide field and that there is only so much that we can touch on in an hour and a half. So intellectually I know that when someone comes into the class what they want to find out after that is up to them. But I like thinking that I give people that chance to connect the head and the crotch, give them that ember of desire so that they want to seek out the community and themselves. Give them that piece of information that makes them go “Oh-YEA! NOW that makes sense.” OR even better “Oh YEA-now I make sense.”

I just don’t think that I did that this time.

Somehow I missed the boat.

I guess it was bound to happen; a person can only have so many good classes before something goes differently.

I just really hope that I gave them  a good start, maybe they were a stoic group, maybe they weren’t ready,  maybe I just wasn’t a good teacher that day, maybe I couldn’t connect with  where they needed me to  be. As it was my job to do.

I get my feedback forms from them in the next week or so, and so we will see how it went for them. 

I can only hope that there was some grains planted, that there were some things that were discussed, or felt, or brought up, or experienced that will turn into what they need it to be.

This weights heavy on my heart.