I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us


I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!


If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com



If you are interested in active online community please find:

Fetlife.com


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More






Friday, June 27, 2014

Feeling Skinned.



Do you ever have those days when you wake up not feeling right? Sometimes there is a reason, and sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes you can find the root, and sometimes it just seems so irrational. But rational or not -that doesn’t change how it feels.


It is a hard place to be- and this week I have been there for the last few days. I can track it to school being overwhelming, and not doing so well in my informatics class. I am frustrated because the class is not hard, neither are the tests, I just can’t seem to get my feet under me. It is frustrating and scary. So I know that is a lot to do with it. When  I get stressed I play spider  solitaire on the computer- I have played it so  much  that  my  fingers are sore- and not in a good way. 


Lately I have also been   on the receiving end of subtle and not so subtle fat phobia.  I thought that I was handling fine.  I tried to laugh it off, but I can’t seem to emotionally let it go. I feel or rather, I want to feel,   that they didn’t know what they were doing. I do. I want to think that they weren’t malicious or intent full- and when I focus really hard I can get there. But it is cutting, really cutting. 


Even thought I am pretty sure it wasn’t intentional it has left me feeling like a monster. I am not unaware of my size, or when I breathe hard. I am very aware of those things. But these experiences have really left me raw. I get it- I am Big, bigger than the normal person by at least X2. I get it ….really. I also get it that people like to be around me so that they can feel better about themselves; I can almost hear them say to themselves “well at least I am NOT BIG LIKE THAT.” I get it….really…. I do…..


I know that when I walk out my door it is my responsibility to be strong enough to  take responsibility for how I feel. So please - save it.  I understand that I “choose” how I internalize how I feel. So save it. I understand that ultimately I have to choose what I do with what goes on around me. So please keep that lecture to yourself.


But lately it has been so out of the blue that I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it. I wasn’t able to let it bounce off of me. Then stuff just kept happening. Just when I felt like, “OK I have my feet under me. I have the strength to at least front how I feel.”  I was wrong. I wasn’t strong enough, So when I was in the middle of listening to this conversation that triggered the shit out of me- I just clocked out. 
Then I had to leave. Then I had to cry.


I know that in time, I will be less raw, be less vulnerable.
But for the moment I feel skinned. 


I woke up feeling that way, again. So just to feel normal I went out and did some work in the pasture. 


At 6 am.  


It felt good, not having to think or feel. It felt good just working with my hands and focusing on the fence line, the water trough, the cleaning out the pasture a little at a time. Maybe I love horses so much because I am smaller then they are. Not a monster- just a person. They see how I feel and they know how I treat them is what matters, not how I look. Not how big I am in their eyes. 



I will be OK. This will pass.  I will be stronger on another day. I will be OK.
I just need rest and time and my slave loves arms so that I can walk out that door again.

10 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, you're singing my life right now. I'm probably around your size and just the other day I was treated so poorly I just didn't know what to do. I'm always aware of my size. It's impossible to be unaware of being in the one percent, so to speak, but I am uncomfortable with being made so very aware of it.

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    1. I have been thinking about what you wrote since I read it yesterday.
      What I really wanted to tell you was- I am so sorry for your experience. Size hate is one of the last few publicly accepted forms of abuse that we actively allow and encourage. It is impossible to not be aware- and ultimately - it says more about their level of self hate then anything else- but even though I get that in my head- it is still a rough road in my heart. Thank you again.

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  2. Thank you so much. Thank you for writing this. I really appreciate hearing it from others as well. It helps with the not feeling so- isolated.

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    1. Always. We are few, but we exist and we can't be hated out of that existence.

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  3. I totally get it! I was never ever around anyone that even came close to being accepting of my body size. I grew up hearing about how beautiful I would be if I just wasn't so fat and so on and so forth, I am totally aware of my size and like you , I am totally aware of the heavy breathing and limited mobility and I get very sick of people who attribute my health to my "Fatness" and never get beyond that assumption of what I am going through. I have known many people, my ex Girl-friend ended up being one of those who actually told me i made her sick even looking at me , and that she felt better being with me because she knew people would be looking at her when she was with me . she actually got a sick sympathy and extra Points you might say for being with the "Fat girl" because after all, I wouldn't have a chance at love any other way.I have fought the battle and spent many years trying to accept who I was and liking me, allowing myself to feel worthy of anyones love or attention. Now, One thing that I must tell you is After meeting you and your beautiful slave I was able to start looking at myself a little differently and you have continued to be a beautiful example in so many ways . In the very small doses of time that I do get around you, and the posts and blogs that you share , I have gained a lot of self esteem and have been working big on my acceptance of self and liking me . As hard as i am working at it , all it takes is one statement from someone or one feeling of being uncomfortable because of my size and the battle begins all over. I am learning that I am beautiful and I can be sexy and Likeable! Someday I will meet someone who will encourage and accept these things in me, but for now ...It is okay to just be me. I am so sorry that you are going through what you are going through, people can be so cruel, and -LOL- you have all of the speeches down to a tee it is nice to hear you say that and actually tell people to save that lecture for someone else, it shows that the knowledge is in there , you are just temporarily floundering to find it. I totally get the love you have for the horses, and I too am a lover of horses, much for the same reasons, they make me feel normal sized, they show unconditional love and acceptance . They respond to YOU the you that is strong and confident , loving and nurturing, even on your off days you are there for each other.
    Go to your beautiful slave and lay in her arms and soak up all the love she has to pour into you, allow yourself to cry and be exhausted , get some real rest and get up in the morning and look in the mirror and remind yourself how awesome and beautiful you are ...inside and out.....there are many beautiful skinny people in this world that are the ugliest people on earth, You are true of heart and soul and I think your sexy as hell! You and your wife are two of the most beautiful people that I have met. you are beautiful separately and together, Get back out that door and spread that infectious joy that you exude! Thank you so so much for sharing so much of yourself with us and for being so candid! I think I have rambled enough ....LOL ! Just know that you are loved by many and you are not a monster! It is the ones who are not accepting of you that are the monsters ! Big gigantic hugs!!!!

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  4. Dearest Beautiful Tops,

    I had to read this a couple of times to really soak it in.
    When you wrote this "i made her sick even looking at me , and that she felt better being with me because she knew people would be looking at her when she was with me . " I just sank back in my chair and froze.

    It was such a powerful thing to share. And the ultimate example of how we as people are viewed by others.
    Thank you, sincerely and deeply.

    Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful reply. I find you beautiful and inspiring as well.
    I have been blown away by the response from this post.
    I truly expected to have a lot of hate come back at me.
    But it hasn't- a lot of surprise, a lot of people sharing. That has happened. And I am grateful for that.

    Thank you Tops- beautiful, effervescent Tops.




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  5. Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes to the bone and these people are ugly. I have not met you in the physical for but I will the 8th or 9th of October so be ready my friend. I love you :)

    Lady Deblyn

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