I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html
Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us
I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information! The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!
If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are interested in active online community please find:
Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:
Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers
Albuquerque Master/slave forum
New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More
Friday, June 27, 2014
Do you ever have those days when you wake up not feeling right? Sometimes there is a reason, and sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes you can find the root, and sometimes it just seems so irrational. But rational or not -that doesn’t change how it feels.
It is a hard place to be- and this week I have been there for the last few days. I can track it to school being overwhelming, and not doing so well in my informatics class. I am frustrated because the class is not hard, neither are the tests, I just can’t seem to get my feet under me. It is frustrating and scary. So I know that is a lot to do with it. When I get stressed I play spider solitaire on the computer- I have played it so much that my fingers are sore- and not in a good way.
Lately I have also been on the receiving end of subtle and not so subtle fat phobia. I thought that I was handling fine. I tried to laugh it off, but I can’t seem to emotionally let it go. I feel or rather, I want to feel, that they didn’t know what they were doing. I do. I want to think that they weren’t malicious or intent full- and when I focus really hard I can get there. But it is cutting, really cutting.
Even thought I am pretty sure it wasn’t intentional it has left me feeling like a monster. I am not unaware of my size, or when I breathe hard. I am very aware of those things. But these experiences have really left me raw. I get it- I am Big, bigger than the normal person by at least X2. I get it ….really. I also get it that people like to be around me so that they can feel better about themselves; I can almost hear them say to themselves “well at least I am NOT BIG LIKE THAT.” I get it….really…. I do…..
I know that when I walk out my door it is my responsibility to be strong enough to take responsibility for how I feel. So please - save it. I understand that I “choose” how I internalize how I feel. So save it. I understand that ultimately I have to choose what I do with what goes on around me. So please keep that lecture to yourself.
But lately it has been so out of the blue that I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it. I wasn’t able to let it bounce off of me. Then stuff just kept happening. Just when I felt like, “OK I have my feet under me. I have the strength to at least front how I feel.” I was wrong. I wasn’t strong enough, So when I was in the middle of listening to this conversation that triggered the shit out of me- I just clocked out.
Then I had to leave. Then I had to cry.
I know that in time, I will be less raw, be less vulnerable.
But for the moment I feel skinned.
I woke up feeling that way, again. So just to feel normal I went out and did some work in the pasture.
At 6 am.
It felt good, not having to think or feel. It felt good just working with my hands and focusing on the fence line, the water trough, the cleaning out the pasture a little at a time. Maybe I love horses so much because I am smaller then they are. Not a monster- just a person. They see how I feel and they know how I treat them is what matters, not how I look. Not how big I am in their eyes.
I will be OK. This will pass. I will be stronger on another day. I will be OK.
I just need rest and time and my slave loves arms so that I can walk out that door again.