I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!

If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:


If you are interested in active online community please find:


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, September 25, 2015

Trigger warning

Lately on Fetlife I have noticed a very disturbing trend. Maybe I am subconsciously seeking it; maybe it is a roll of the dice that I am seeing these things. I don’t know. Recently there have been a lot of women posting about sexual   violence. 

One of the posts has really bothered me. It was titled “you were raped because” and the threads that followed where, in my mind, disturbing at best. A bit ago I read “survivors aren’t lucky.” I commented on both threads. But they disturbed me and I felt a need to talk about it here. 

 So let’s get a few things straight. If you look at my forehead – really look at it - you will see a scar that crosses the length of my forehead. When my head is shaved you will see two other scars. One running on my hairline and the other down the back of my head just about the size of my palm. I don’t undress in public because of the bite mark scars on my breasts.  

 I was raped when I was 8 years old. 

I was raped not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. I was raped because the predator that had followed me and watched the house was excited by young brunette girls. There was nothing that I could or could not have done to stop this attack from happening. 

I feel very lucky.

Afterwards I was in a coma for a while and then I had to relearn some things. Like how to speak, walk, and do math. I have been dyslexic in math from there on out. Sometimes it still comes back and I have to watch for signs of it. The swelling in my brain took years to subside, and I don’t have memories that others do of their childhood. (This is a good thing, considering.) 

To this day when confronted with a violent situation I can black out.  

So do I feel lucky? Hell  yes. Do I feel that I had any control of the situation? Hell no.

I watch a lot of the show Criminal Minds. It has helped me over the years understand my attacker in a way that has brought me peace and comfort. Leaning about predators, how predators act, how they are victim specific, and how a predator chooses a victim has helped me accept that this had nothing to do with me.

And then I see these posts on Fetlife and I think- what are these women thinking? Are they thinking that this is empowering?  Are they thinking that this is healthy? OR are they not thinking? 

I think that they are thinking “this is a deep thought”. When really it is nothing more then victim blaming and terminology shaming. If, as a survivor, I say that I was lucky. Then I get to claim that to my heart, and I believe that in all of its truth. 

The cosmic dice are picky little fellows. They roll any way that they please. 

So I am lucky to be alive. 

There was nothing that I could have done about my attacker’s profile.  

And my scars are beautiful.

That being said- I struggle sometimes to talk about it.
When I was about 19 years old I was working with my friends to build a course for the upcoming horse driving competition. It had been a long day, and we were wrapping up when one of my dear friends at the time asked me about my scars. I paused, and then I lied to him- told him I was in a car accident. I remember thinking right after I lied- I wish that I could take those words back. And I made a vow to never again lie about my scars. 

What I will do is moderate my words depending on the situation. If I feel  threatened, or like who  I am  talking to  is really fragile then I will  assess the situation and say  I was assaulted.  If they ask more questions I will answer honestly.  If I get uncomfortable of triggered I will simply say I need to change the subject.  But I won’t lie about them ever again.

So before you think that what you are going to write or say is really advanced: please stop for a minute. Wait a day or two and then write it.   

Maybe what you are saying isn’t really that brilliant, but instead it is a way of making you feel more powerful at the EXPENSE of another survivors understanding of themselves, their situation, or the reason that they are alive. 

I don’t know why am alive today.  Honestly, I should be dead.
I was lucky.  And I am NOT to blame.