Changes

I am  going through  some changes.

I am  thinking hard about what I am  doing,  what I am  becoming, what I want, and what I need.
I love my part in  the community.  It makes me feel  like I matter. This  of course being a double edged sword. To  keep  feeling like I matter,  I have to  keep  being relevant in  some fashion.

I love being the educational  person  for the wet munch,  hosting for AEL  and doing fundraisers for "our" community.  Publishing my book  on  M/s was a huge milestone. Running the AMG was very fulfilling as I got to  hear other peoples perspectives on M /s.

But I am  feeling like-   I am  missing something.

I guess it is the times when we are most secure that we are able to  feel  the most  unfulfilled.  

The times without crisis that allow us to  have  introspection  and insight. 

The times when  we are sure of who  we are in  our lives and our relationships that allow us the freedom  of asking ourselves "who am I?" and  "who do I want to be?"

So I think I am there now.  


What is my next step?

And  how can  I stop running myself into  the ground because the need to  matter is an  overriding visceral  need---- that more then  borders on  the unhealthy side?

I am  blessed though- to  be  in a place where I am  safe and secure enough  to  ask  myself these things, and to  be able to  know that they may not be answers. 

And that needs to  be OK  to.