I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!

If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:


If you are interested in active online community please find:


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, July 25, 2014

Trigger Warning.


My name is Keli, I am a Master Identified lesbian, and I have a mental illness.

I have had for years. I am medicated, I am compliant in my medication, but some days I fight and I win, and some days I fight and it wins.

I say this now because this week I was told that what I am feeling is all in my head. This comment, said by someone who is aware of my mental illness has cut me to my core. Taken the breath  clear out of me, and reminded me that I am  a deeply damaged person.

When  I was a kid I used to  cover my head when I was beaten- arch my back to  take the brunt of the blows, and afterwards I remember I would rock  myself.

I have done that all week- covered my head, arched my back, and rocked. 

It is the only way that I can find peace and comfort from these words that have taken their toll on me.

I am  lucky though.  By chance  this week  I had finished my school  semester early and taken a week  off of work  to  celebrate -  all  before it happened-  so  at least I could concentrate on  my healing and not have to  worry about those things.

I know that this in time will pass- that in time I will be far away from this.

But for now I cover my head, arch my back and rock.

I will find peace again.. I will….I will…..


  1. Allow yourself to feel what you need to go through with this but do not allow it to take over! If sitting and rocking is what you need right now that is okay, because you will get through this and it will be far behind you , stuffed away in that file that holds captive things which come back to haunt you from time to time. It is really sad how people can be at times, reckless and harsh , even when it is because they don't know your history, or really meaning well. They do not realize that "its all in your head" can unearth things that are buried in there and do damage . For me at times, the "It's all in your head " is almost like someone waltzing in to my comfort zone and declaring that they are somehow better than me, almost belittling a battle that I have fought over the years.....at times I can be mean minded and reply with "Well done, GCSE biology! The brain is INDEED in my head.".... and mentally punching them , pushing the thoughts away with the punch, I figure its better than allowing them to push me into a battle with self. People who do not suffer from mental illness can never understand the true impact it has on your life and day to day movements , sometimes minute by minute thoughts and movements . Just remember that everything that has happened to you is behind you , give it back to the ones that did these horrible things to you , it is not yours to carry, you are a survivor, and a damn good one at that! There are some of us that have been so deeply damaged that it seems at times the damage will never let you live normally, well "normal" is a cycle on a washing machine.....we all have to do what we have to do to hold our heads up and remember that we are survivors! So if you need to arch your back and rock ....Go for it , because at some point it will stop and you will get up and it will be another thing that is behind you, another crisis survived! You are a beautiful, strong, person and you represent so many things to so many people in such positive ways , not only are you a survivor but you are a survivor that has helped many others to survive and accept their selves. I hope you can find strength in all of this when you file it away for the next time it tries to rear its ugly head and mess with my beautiful friend Kelli! Much love and respect you sexy beast!

  2. Dearest Tops, Thank you for this. Thank you for all of the words and thoughts and amazing insight. When I read this "is almost like someone waltzing in to my comfort zone and declaring that they are somehow better than me, almost belittling a battle that I have fought over the years..." it took my breath away.
    I am ]very deeply grateful for your words- I will carry them with me .

    Luv to you- Beautiful Butterfly