Entitlement versus boundaries

 What does it mean when someone’s sense of entitlement goes against your hard core boundary? The reason that I ask is because recently my slave went out with someone who used the N word in describing themselves and talking about their life.  (This person is not black.) When my slaves discomfort was noted they changed from saying the n word to using the words “the N word”. Although these words were not directed at my slave or used in connotation to her, using them in front of her is a hard and fast non negotiable no. 

So  I contacted the person and said that the use of the N word and the use of the words “the N word” are absolute boundaries and are not to be used in  my slaves or my presence again. Knowing that the other person was in the lifestyle and another dominant, I figured that understanding limits would not be a problem.

Afterwards the person wrote back and said that they did not mean to offend but because they were talking about their own life and not referring to my slave that it was okay. 

I replied back  saying that - no, it is not OK.

 Then I received from them a four paragraph email using the N word outright multiple times which, I am assuming, explaining why they felt they had every right to use the word. I say assuming because as soon as I saw the N word I didn’t bother reading it, and I blocked them from all of my correspondence as well   as my slaves.

I am still shaking my head when I think about it.  How interesting that this persons entitlement issues were more important than my boundaries and my slaves boundaries. This is what I believe this to be at the core of what happened here: this person’s sense of entitlement conflicted with our non-negotiable boundaries.

I think that some things are easy to look at and say “huh- fucked up”, but I also think that more often than not this can be harder to identify.

Many times entitlement that ignores boundaries is hidden in the web of relationships, intentions, and manipulation.  It is veiled in words of “I just wanted to push your boundaries, for you”,  “I did this because I love you”,  “if you loved me then you would do this”, "I am sorry you are offended, but this is my experience", "you are being to  sensitive",  "I was just joking",  among other choice and coined phrases that all boil down to the same thing. 

You being uncomfortable is your fault and I having no intention of taking any kind of responsibility for it- because it is my RIGHT.

Now I have fucked up  badly-  oh yes-  I have used the word  retarded, I have slapped another person in the face without asking, I have ignored it when  someone  said the first no, I have pushed the issue when  they have said no  more than once. My hands and tongue defiantly have entitlement issues that are connected to the rest of me, although somewhat a lower part….   

I have pushed, prodded, cajoled, downright pouted and used emotional manipulation until  I have gotten what I wanted.  I have fucked up really badly, and will probably spend the rest of my life fucking up, somewhat less then gracefully. And I can’t always say that I was contrite, or that I was even sorry, especially if I got what I wanted. 

(Wow- I should stop talking, I am coming out really bad in this…)

But I can say that   when I have stopped what I was doing and saw the toll that it was taking on the other person, felt their tired resignation, seen and  felt their frustration, it affected me, sometimes stopped me outright in  my tracks. It made me think about if what I was doing was right, and about how what I was doing affected them. 

 I can’t say that I won’t ever be an ass again, or that I won’t ever be pouty, or downright manipulative, or tongue/hand /crotch  based in  my entitlement.  I can’t say that my sense of entitlement won’t ever run over someone else’s boundaries again.

But I can say this: I don’t want my sense of entitlement to be someone else’s trigger, or to make them feel unsafe. I know what it is like to feel unsafe, and I would hate to create that in someone else. 

So this is something that I am working on, my sense of entitlement while respecting someone else’s boundaries.

 Of course living with a slave who never says no does not necessarily help.

 It does however help when my slave sees my entitlement affecting others and turns to me and says “NO Master, Bad Master!" 

That helps a lot.