It is 2 am. I am awake here, at the computer with the new
kitten Mogadeet in my arm lobbying for attention through criminal cuteness. I
am up at 2 am because this question on my mind isn’t going away.
How do you love someone through something that scares you?
How do you find the strength or the words or the ability to
give them what they need while keeping yourself in balance? How do you hold
your own anger, rage, or fear in check to keep the focus on them?
When I was 21 or so I had this horse that got an infection
in her hoof. If I wasn’t able to draw it out with Epson salts then she was
going to have to be put down. So twice a day, every day, I soaked her foot in
hot water and salts for 45 minutes to an hour.
I remember telling my Mom about how frustrated I was and she turned to me and said “this isn’t about you.”
I remember telling my Mom about how frustrated I was and she turned to me and said “this isn’t about you.”
My mare did end up recovering, and I walked away with a powerful
lesson.
So here I am now a good 20 years later and those words still
come to me.
But now the situation is a lot more complex. It inst about
just putting myself aside and being there for someone else, it is about dealing
with how what I am hearing is making me feel- while trying to remain
open and supportive and loving.
Even though what I am hearing is tearing at my core. Scaring me senseless, or making me feel powerless, helpless, and full of anger or fear- or both.
Even though what I am hearing is tearing at my core. Scaring me senseless, or making me feel powerless, helpless, and full of anger or fear- or both.
When it is happening I hold on to those words “this isn’t about
me”, if it gets too much I ask for a break. I may even ask for it not to be discussed
if it is too much for my brain and heart. I try to ask gently so as not to make
things worse. I try to gently explain why so they don’t feel too rejected in their
time of need. I try to pick it up again
later when I can, if I can.
“It isn’t about me.” But it does affect me. And some part of what is said stays with me.
It is that part of loving someone. Knowing that sometimes
loving them means knowing your own limits.
Recognizing that even though you love them, you won’t always have the
right words, or the right way to support them, and sometimes for your own self-
you can’t.
It means not saying what you want to say, what you are burning to say- becasue you know that those words wont help. That you would only speak those words to lessen your own discomfort. That those words will only turn their attention from them to you. And this needs to be about their pain, not your anger or fear.
So sometimes it means that you bite the inside of your
mouth until it bleeds while you listen and hold them and
love them- because being there for them is more important than anything else.
Even if you aren’t the same afterwards.
Even if you aren’t the same afterwards.
And that means is picking yourself up- not leaning on
them to do it. Not asking them to comfort you. Because then they really couldn’t
let themselves go- not really- not with the knowledge that they would pay for
it later by having to taking care of you, while they are taking care of them.
You take care of you.
So that way- it really does get to be about them.
And sometimes that means being up at 2 am writing blogs so that
they can have peace in their heart that they are loved.
If I can be of assistance, please let me know. Sometimes just knowing that others care can lessen your burdens.
ReplyDeleteThank you:)
ReplyDeleteBig Hugz Keli! You are so so loved ! Thank you for being there my beautiful friend! I agree totally with Michael Wolf, Sometimes just knowing that you are loved lessons things quite a bit, and you have done that for me and many others! I think it is important to let you know that you are loved very much and y so so many! Holding you close to heart !
ReplyDeleteBack at you tops:) Love,
ReplyDeleteK
Thinking about all of you. You know how to get hold of me if you need to.
ReplyDeletexo
Thank you Pigtails:)
ReplyDelete