2am

It is 2 am. I am awake here, at the computer with the new kitten Mogadeet in my arm lobbying for attention through criminal cuteness. I am up at 2 am because this question on my mind isn’t going away.

How do you love someone through something that scares you?

How do you find the strength or the words or the ability to give them what they need while keeping yourself in balance? How do you hold your own anger, rage, or fear in check to keep the focus on them? 

When I was 21 or so I had this horse that got an infection in her hoof. If I wasn’t able to draw it out with Epson salts then she was going to have to be put down. So twice a day, every day, I soaked her foot in hot water and salts for 45 minutes to an hour. 
I remember telling my Mom about how frustrated I was and she turned to me and said “this isn’t about you.”

My mare did end up recovering, and I walked away with a powerful lesson. 

So here I am now a good 20 years later and those words still come to me.

But now the situation is a lot more complex. It inst about just putting myself aside and being there for someone else, it is about dealing with how what I am hearing is making me feel- while trying to  remain  open  and supportive and loving. 
Even though what I am hearing is tearing at my core. Scaring me senseless, or making me feel powerless, helpless, and full of anger or fear- or both.

When it is happening I hold on to those words “this isn’t about me”, if it gets too much I ask for a break. I may even ask for it not to be discussed if it is too much for my brain and heart. I try to ask gently so as not to make things worse. I try to gently explain why so they don’t feel too rejected in their time of need.  I try to pick it up again later when I can, if I can. 

“It isn’t about me.” But it does affect me.  And some part of what is said stays with me. 

It is that part of loving someone. Knowing that sometimes loving them means knowing your own limits.  Recognizing that even though you love them, you won’t always have the right words, or the right way to support them, and sometimes for your own self- you can’t. 

It means not saying what you want to  say, what you are burning to  say- becasue you know that those words wont help. That you would only speak  those words to  lessen  your own discomfort.  That those  words will only turn their attention from  them to  you. And this needs to be about their pain, not your anger or fear.

So sometimes it means that you bite the inside of your mouth  until  it bleeds while you listen and hold them and love them- because being there for them is more important than anything else. 

Even if you aren’t the same afterwards. 
 

And that means is picking yourself up- not leaning on them to do it. Not asking them to comfort you. Because then they really couldn’t let themselves go- not really- not with the knowledge that they would pay for it later by having to taking care of you, while they are  taking care of them.

You  take care of you.

So that way- it really does get to be about them.

And sometimes that means being up at 2 am writing blogs so that they can have peace in their heart that they are loved.