I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html
Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us
I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information! The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!
If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are interested in active online community please find:
Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:
Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers
Albuquerque Master/slave forum
New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More
Friday, November 14, 2014
The need for the illusion
It has been a emotional week, my slave re started the Betties and she had their first meeting in over a year. We received our final check in the foreclosure so now the old house is behind us and in five years we are going to be able to get a mortgage and come off of the real estate contract. I am caught up on homework for the week. I have been approved to CNM for my last semester and am waiting to hear back about financial aid. The bills are paid, the horses are eating and we have food and heat.
I am reminded of all of our multiple blessings not just because I am grateful for them, and give thanks, but because I received a call from my Mom a few weeks back. I followed up with her this week. My sister is in trouble of the legal kind. Not usual for our family- we tend to err on the side of not going to jail. The sad thing is that she is in trouble because she can’t see that the only way out is to change.
Part of this is her mental illness- but part of this is the old fashioned ghosts that follow us all- the universal human experience of “it will get better. It will change. I can do this. I CAN MAKE THIS BETER. If I am Better IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.”
How many of us have stayed in relationships far too long, tolerated abuse, stayed in jobs, living arrangements, activities, or groups way beyond what was healthy for us because we needed to see it for what we wanted it to be instead of what it really was.
We kept the veil of illusion over the starkness of the reality because seeing what was real was to painful, to dis-empowering, to scary, to unthinkable.
The need for the illusion is so powerful that everything else falls by the wayside. Self care, dreams, goals, desires- it is as if the illusion is an addiction, and it draws our very lives from us.
I know a little of what I am talking about here. My first marriage lasted 4.5 years. I was dedicated to the illusion that we could make it work.
During that time I continued to go to school (which I attribute only to us not living together) but I gave up horses, my sense of safety, my sense of self, my ability to define my own needs and desires, and my ability to tell right from wrong. I believed so strongly in her that when she would lie, steal, or otherwise “press the boundaries of the law”I would justify it, ignore it, or refuse to believe that it had happened. Even when it did happen right in front of my own eyes and ears. I really needed to believe that I couldn’t possibly be married to someone that would do those things. The illusion of her, of us, was so much more important than the reality. I did everything that I could to protect that. In the end no one could make me see the reality- I had to see it for myself.
When I had moved on in life and my slave and I bought our first house we stayed for four years because of the illusion of being able to make it work. The thought that I had just made that big of a mistake was unthinkable. That I had bought a house that couldn't support us and I couldn't afford,it was a rollercoaster that I was strapped into by my own need to believe that there was no way I could have been that stupid. I thought I could do whatever it took to salvage it. In the process I gave up my degree, the goal of having children, and my retirement was sucked dangerously dry. I had to believe that the illusion was real because the other was beyond all comprehension.
And then it happens, the place of transition where decisions need to be made, the relationship reaches critical mass, the house is not longer viable, the job, living situation, the place where you put in your extra time- it cracks and crumbles.
It does so in a way that even if you try to catch it, the ashes cling to your fingers as the bricks fall. It is addiction, the place of relapse or the place of moving on, and no matter what decision is made - the person, place, thing, and you are never the same.
And then sometime after it is all said and done- sometimes weeks, months, years- sometimes when it is all passed- you look back and wonder- was that me?
My mother used to say- the one thing that you can always guarantee is that “it” will change.
My sister will never be able to see that by choosing not to change it will not get better.
I am not saying that I am better then her or smarter or anything like that. I am saying that I was lucky that my illusion revealed itself before we were homeless or worse.
We all carry illusions, we need them to make our lives work. But there is that point where the illusion steals the you from you. Where the illusion becomes so deeply engrained that it deceives you into thinking that it is the reality.
All the while something is gnawing at you from the inside out- that little voice in your head, that small flame of the self or of doubt that shows itself in between illusions. It is there. Waiting.
I think that what I am trying to say is that change hurts deep, it is terrifying, it is sometimes unthinkable-
-- still the power of change marches on.
Embrace it if you can.
And if you can’t- just know that you are not alone. Your feelings of fear, anger, terror, hopelessness and dis empowerment they are in all of us at one time or another. And yes- they will change.