Every time that I turn on a computer or want to pop into my
email I see the advertisement for 50 Shades of Grey. I am not that interested in seeing the film as I have nothing in common with
the main characters, and in general
I am not interested in heterosexual
romance themes. 50 Shades is written for a very mainstream audience
including a mainstream BDSM audience. It never would have gotten published if
the players were poor, of color, of size, or in some other way NOT a rich,
white, heterosexual couple where the woman was still a virgin.
That this is
what makes BDSM safe, the idea that it is an exclusive club that establishes
male and white superiority and Dominance. Throw
in perfect hair and unlimited
money and Whoola- it is somehow validated as OK for the masses.
The movie “Kink” came out in 2014. It is a documentary that
shows male submissives, and female - female couplings. If you type in BDSM into
YouTube there are over 100,000 results, including clips from the Lisa Ling documentary
that was done on ABC News Nightline. In that documentary- which I have seen-
there are people of size, people of color, and alternative types of play (like
cigar play). I got to give it to her Lisa Ling did not try to make it safe.
One of the things that I love about the reality of BDSM is its
diversity. It is one of those things
that makes BDSM so risky, so complex, so compelling, and so fulfilling. It is
the idea that we not only are we not all
white, rich, thin and
virginesque- we are outside those things and still have a right to seek
the fulfillment of our fantasies and desires. We have a drive to find ourselves
in all of the arenas of life including those that doesn’t have anything to do with
sex, those parts of the self that are based in the deeper psychological wells
of race, gender, sexuality, powerlessness, and religion.
We face the depth of
our desire to serve, to give up power, to be humiliated, and to be loved
BECAUSE of those things.
What if 50 shades had no sexual component? What would be left?
The emphasis would be on her need for powerlessness, his need for power. Her
need to serve and his need to be served. Her
need to be in a place where for anything to happen she has to consent first. How
subversive would that be? If consent and delving into “fantasies made reality”
was the principle part of the film.
I love our community. I love the absolute diversity, not
just of the physical appearances of the people involved, but the extreme diversity
of our desires. I have a deep respect for
those that don’t let their physical appearance decide for them what their identity
is in BDSM. The power of meeting and talking with male submissives, female Dommes, people of color that identify as slaves, and people
of size that are service subs and not punching bags. People that say out loud and proud- my BDSM
is not about sex, it is not about pain,
it is about something that I experience when I am getting lunch, serving coffee, or feeling the weight of my collar around my
neck.
It isn’t that sex doesn’t belong in BDSM- it does. It is
where most of us start. But those of us driven to understand ourselves don’t
let it end there. What starts in the dudgeon affects every part of our lives.
How we stand, who we serve, how we feel viscerally fulfilled in our everyday.
Ever go to work after a thrilling BDSM experience? One that
opens your eyes, made you feel really alive, really in touch with yourself? You
are lighter, happier, more able to handle the day to day. Even if you don’t identify
your BDSM role in your vanilla world- it still spills over.
For many of us the whips and chains and dungeons are the background,
and the connection to self, connection to others, and fulfillment of desire is where
the power of BDSM truly lies.
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