I am not my illness

This has been such in interesting week. I am just getting over a bout of pneumonia followed by asthma followed by bronchitis. All of those as my slave has had cold, after flu, after cold. I give her this though; she has the most adorable sniffles and snots. Turns out she has bronchitis and is on antibiotics and steroids. I was thrilled when  the Dr could see her.  

I have really missed being out and about. I am deeply regretful that I missed the last few speakers at the Wet Munch.  They are some of my favorite people and I love hearing them speak. Their lives are rich, intentional, and fascinating.  I always learn so much from them. So I am pissed at my own lungs. And I cant wait to  ask  them  to  speak  again  so  that I can  be there!

I have had to take an entire week off of work. It terrified me. I am thrilled about this new job. It is what I need in my life so much right now. And the thought of being so new and losing my job has filled me with fear. My boss has been incredibly reassuring and I have all my DR notes and ER visit documentation, so returning to work inst a problem. But that does little to  lessen  my anxiety. 

I have kept myself still by working on my next book. It is almost complete and should be ready for publication by April 15th. That is my goal date. I am finishing my hard edit right now. Then it goes to proof, and then to pre publication.  

And then the big big news. I am re-homing Rainey. My grey racehorse, Rainey will have a great forever home because of this amazing, talented, beautiful, and completely enrapturing woman that is in the community. This makes my heart so very happy. I will  always be grateful  to her and hers. It is time and it is the right thing. Rainey and I have had a complicated relationship.  And I am, well, in a different space in my life. I need other things then what she can give. And she needs other things then what I can give. 

I have already chosen my next horse and if things go well, like her vet papers and her transport, then she should be here the first week or two of April. This is a huge leap and I am both scared and so deeply excited. 

But for the moment, I am dealing with my lungs.  It is hard to be sick for long periods of time. People ask how I am doing and still now, two weeks later I am, in essence, the same. I feel self conscious about talking about it when people ask, like I am disappointing them by being not well for so long.  This only leads me to feeling more like I am failure. Maybe that is why I retreat into writing so much. I am never as exposed or as bold as I am when I am writing. I can  write and suck  on  a nebulizer, I can  write and not breathe, I can  write and drink cup  after cup  of my slaves special  hot tea for cough, I can  write and be complaint with  Dr orders. 

 I can write and still be a person.  

Even  if my lungs stop  me from  going outside or puttering around the house at 3am like I love doing.  

What got me this time was the pain, I am used to lung pain, it happens every year, but this was enough to break me out into a sweat. Still now, weeks later I feel the aches when I take a deep breath.

So getting the review for my book right as I was in a very painful point of my illness was just what I needed. 

It reminded me that I am not my illness. I am  not my pain, I am  not my inability to  breathe, I am  not my medicine.

I am still me.