Faces of Albuquerque: Community Leaders Part Two

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Through a Master's eyes: The Journey of the Mastery of Self

 I have always heard that if you are going to be a Master you must first be  a Master of yourself. For the longest time I never understood this. 

Does it mean that you must be in control of your  emotions at all times,  as well as your thoughts and  your actions? 

And how realistic is it to demand the Mastery of something that is constantly changing,  no matter what the situation.



So I was left with the question,  of what does the Mastery of the self  really mean? And what does that mean to me?




Sure one can say that when times are easy, stable, and predictable that having a certain amount of Mastery over  ones emotions, thoughts, and actions  on a consistent basis  is not only attainable, but reasonable.  Honestly speaking , though, how often is life easy, stable and predictable? 


Does it mean that a person should no longer identify as  a Master if they cannot control these things that sometimes even surprise the most stoic of all of us?


Is it that  they must step away from their title because of the internal failure of loss of self control, even  for a brief time, and even if they regain themselves eventually?


I ask this question now because from November of last year to April of this year I was under an extreme amount of pressure and I was sometimes quickly, and sometimes slowly, loosing my sense of self control. 


My emotions became more erratic as I strove- for all that I was worth- for some sense of safety, only to find that someone else had died, or something else had broken, or I was staring into an abyss of loss that I could no longer fathom living through.

My thoughts were consumed  by the daily fears of life. What was going to happen next? I was powerless to do anything  as we weathered another cold day without heat, measured out the food, and watched as the horses got skinnier from a dwindling supply of hay.

Then my actions followed, in public I wanted to come across as being OK, that everything  was normal, but instead my internal chaos simply took over. I became overly rough in what I excused as  "playfulness" as I searched for a sign to myself that I was OK, and failing that,  I went overboard.

During this time I started to question my Master identity. I felt out of control, and that any attempt to gain control was futile because every time that I did try something else would beak, or  explode, or the tears would come and I could not stop them.

I questioned my right to lead, and began to feel that my slave needed someone better, she deserved that. Someone who could provide for her better, lead stronger, and hold it together when times were tough.


Then it happened.


I went to far with someone because I didn't want to stop. 
They  could have gotten hurt, and badly. 
It was at that sobering moment that I froze and realized that I had given up.
I had given up even trying to try.
I had given up even trying to control my own behavior.
I had given up on myself.

At that point I became very afraid of my own self and I knew it was time for me to stop putting my head in the sand, and get back to at least trying to try.


I took a big step back. I contacted a counselor that day, I scaled back everything social and made myself retreat. I stopped going to events in an attempt to regain some sense of self again.


Then slowly, very slowly I started asking small things from my slave.
Things I had not asked in a long time like having her wear her collar out during errands.
Slowly I started to feel like myself again. I am not saying that I am all the way back, but I will say that I am getting better.


So now when someone says a Master must have Mastery over themselves I understand it a  little better.


Maybe it isn't about having Mastery over every emotion, thought, and action.


Maybe it is more about having enough insight to know who you are and what you want. Enough determination to make that insight into something tangible, and enough mindfulness to see how what you do and what you say affects those around you, like a ripple in a pond.


Maybe that is the basis of Mastery of the self. The basis of this journey of Mastery.


Although I lost my way for a while  as I am sure that many of us do. I am coming back, a little smarter, a  little more humble, and yes, luckily very much loved as well as forgiven.

Faces of Albuquerque: Community Leaders Part One

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Growing Pains! Human Development in leather, fetish, and kink

New Mexico Fetlifers puts on an event a few months out of the year called PERV. It is 5$ per person to go and for the first hour they cover the basics on how to act and what to expect if you are new to the community. They also cover basic rules and etiquette that applies no matter where you are, as well as how to be safe on the internet and in person. The second hour they have a speaker and to open their 2012 year they had Daddy Stan. He talked about how human development in many ways is re-experienced during a person’s first few years after they discover their leather, fetish, and or kink identity. 

There was no way I was going to miss this and as expected it did not disappoint.

First Daddy Stan covered how a person develops through the infant, toddler, pre-adolescent, adolescent and adult stages.  Then he drew parallels between behavior in each stage to the person going through their leather, fetish, and kink journey. Keep in mind thought that these stages are not always linear and not based on age.

The infant stage in human development is about experiencing safety and exploration.  The same applies to the infant stage in a person’s leather journey, it is where people are finding the group that they fit in and then touching everything including, sticking a lot of things in their mouth.

 The toddler stage is where a person gets up and explores their environment through movement, they are figuring out their bodies and learning to move like those around them, not to mention that they want all the toys!   In leather people go to their first event, they watch how others act, and sometimes try to follow those actions. Learning how to walk, talk and in some ways how to project the image of themselves as they figure out how they want to be seen.

The pre adolescent stage is where the person is awkward and learning, but also starting to establish what they think, even if it different from those that they respect. No leather equation needed there.

The adolescent stage is where the person knows it all, and is angry because all of the idiot adults are destroying the world, and if people would just LISTEN! So they run off taking their toys with them to go make it right. The leather equitation of how the leaders are just all messed up and this person is going to either disappear all together because no one will let them be them, or start their own group, because it is so easy.

Then the adult stage were the person is more settled, seeking family and more willing to take in others way of thinking. They move easily and have established themselves, either through experience, or service, or time. The adult stage of leather is a beauty to behold, they are so easily confident and have established leather families.

As Daddy Stan spoke I found that so much about me and others became clearer.

I could see myself in every stage, being an infant and wanting to be safe with my own exploration. I was looking for someone to hold my hand and show me the ropes, but do it in a way that was loving and supportive. Although I had my lovely wife in my mouth often, I also found Rap- who taught me single tail, and answered my questions.

Then the toddler stage where I was learning how I wanted to walk and talk, mirroring those around me, watching, learning, and drooling over every toy possible!!!

My pre-adolescent stage which I think was my title year, fighting for my sense of self, wanting to be right, but wanting the elder’s approval so much.

Then adolescence which for me was pure defiance I and believing that I was right which I feel was also my title year.

So far out of all of the stages all I have enjoyed my adult stage the most.  I have settled into my leather family, I know who I am and how I want to be. I listen more, not always, but more and I am focused on keeping my projects alive and thriving. I also seek out those that know more than I do to learn how to lead better.

The talk also has helped me identify those around me, and perhaps to be more patient because I can more clearly understand what stage that they are in, and that that stage will most likely change as they grow.  

The person that has been around for the least 15 years but doesn’t understand why no one takes their suggestions, and whose skill set is the same now as it was then: adolescent

The person that wide eyed sitting quietly at their first event, listening, watching, and adjusting themselves as they watch others: toddler

The person shadowing and watching the leaders wanting to do something themselves, but shy and awkward:  pre-adolescent

So maybe next time that idiot that comes up to me angry and full of suggestions as to how AEL Kinkskills could be soooo much better and much more successful if only I would just LISTEN to them….. 

I can just say to myself:  OK adolescent…   time for your trip to the mall.

 Not a Masochist-  my ass!!!!



Masters are extremely difficult to serve especially on their birthdays...
 I should know!!


The other day  I was talking to my slave and she was a little upset because she didn't think that she was a masochist....

When I was done laughing I said "the hell you aren't!!!"

I decided to point out a few things:

Who sleeps in the same bed as me after cabbage and beans?


Who sits in the passengers seat the few times that I do drive and  says not word one when it comes to the fact that I am flipping through radio channels more then  looking at the road....

Who deals with my mood swings, is my PR department, and very kindly  reminds me when perhaps I am to dickish....


Who gets up at 5 am to pick me up from work?

Who smooths over my verbal oopsies, and just smiles gently when I say OPP to other people of color,  while making a hand gesture?

Who has to keep hearing  "we are late,  I don't like to be LATE!", when it was me who pushed the snooze button 18 times?


Who deals with Masters vision?  Honey have you seen........ I cant find... I just looked for...... It wasn't there a minute ago....



If that isn't a masochist  then I don't know what one is....

Happy birthday to me.......

Consent from within the Communty.

Consent is a common topic among just about anybody, as a rule we all have conversations about consent of the people that we play with as well as the consent or non consent of the vanilla crowd we are surrounded by.

But-- what about the consent of us? What I mean is what about having consent for our actions from other players?

There are all types of play and edge play that have significant historical, cultural, and social significance. Some of the obvious ones include race play, religious play, and age play.

The question isn’t whether or not these types of play happen, or that they bring relief, release and peace to those that play with those concepts.

The question here is whether or not it is responsible to play with these concepts in public, were perhaps the consent of each other comes into question.

Ultimately what I am asking is- what is the responsibility of the players that play publicly with scenes that are socially, culturally and historically inflammatory and subversive? Although the intent for the players may be play, it cannot be ignored that when those types of play occur in a public space, that others will be affected as well. Not just affected, but deeply disturbed and possibly triggered by what they have witnessed.

Now I suppose the argument could be made that all play can be a trigger for just about anyone, and that we are only responsible for being safe with ourselves and those that we play with since there is little that we can do about the triggers of others outside of our scene.

However, as much as we talk about the consent of those we play with, we almost never talk about the consent of those that may be around us.

On one hand I deserve to be able to walk into a dungeon and be able to have a certain amount of emotional and physical safety. On the other hand, it is a dungeon; it is where people invoke and dance with the dangerous things in life.

So if I walk into a dungeon and there is a scene going on between a group of men saying faggot, dyke, and bull dagger as they beat a butch woman, is it their job to be more responsive to my sensitivities, or is it my job to recognize that I will not be emotionally safe in this space and then leave?

What if we walk into a dungeon and a group of white men are yelling the n word to a black submissive as she is tied up? Being a white Master of a black slave, I realize that I may not have a lot of room to move here, as I know that many people are uncomfortable with our dynamic, but I also realize that seeing that type of play publicly could really trigger and disturb my slave. … Not because we don’t do race play, but because it is being done publicly, and she walked into this without being properly prepped and warmed.

A friend of mine wand I was talking several years ago, she was at a public dungeon very turned on and ready for play. She was walking around looking for a spot to begin when she walked onto a scene involving a Jewish submissive and a group of Nazi dominants. It shook her so badly she left the dungeon immediately, that scene still get to her.

So I am asking at what point are these scenes questionable even for a dungeon, and at what point is it just “their scene”.

And what is our responsibility to each other?

I am not saying that people can’t do whatever they want in private in whatever way they see those fantasies playing out as long as they are safe to themselves and those that they play with. But at what point does “your scene” become more than that?

How much do you have a right to engage in public play that you know there is a good potential will trigger and offend others?

Some will say “not my job man- not my responsibility, if you are offended by what I am doing, then it is your job to leave."

But ---- what does it say about us as a whole when we don’t hold each other accountable for those things that are in question?

For me personally I believe that there are some types of play that just should not be done a public play space.

I know that this is a slippery slope; after all one type of play banned could easily lead to another and another and another….

So I don’t think that these types of play should be actively prohibited in a public space.

I do think however that we owe it to each other to really think about what we have a right to and a responsibility for when we bring these types of sensitive play into the public arena.

So I wanted to toss a few questions out there:

What types of play would make you so uncomfortable that you would leave a dungeon?

What types of play offend you and why?

And finally:

What if you were the organizer of the event or the on duty DM and someone in your dungeon was playing in a manner that you felt was racially, socially, or historically borderline enough to cause concern?

I am not saying that these questions have answers, but what I am saying is that these are questions that we owe it to each other to ask.

Great Expectations: When a Masters communication goes wrong

When people talk about Master and slave relationships that don’t succeed, they often view the slave as the one that is to blame for the failure of the relationship, but it doesn’t always work that way. There are very real factors that make many Master identified people very difficult, if not impossible to serve successfully.

Although I honestly believe that there is a slave for every type of Master, ( there is a crazy for every crazy) there are some personality traits in Masters’ that make it more difficult for slaves’ to accomplish successful service.

Masters that don’t really know how they want to be served.

Sometimes people that identify as Masters have a general idea of what they think service should be, or rather a fantasy idea of how they think service should feel, but no clear idea about the actions that it would take to get there.

Masters that lack basic definition because they have not thought through what they want can be very difficult to serve because they are unable to give any type of concise direction. They also have no idea about the amount of time, effort, or energy that it takes to perform the service that they ask for.

These are Masters that enjoy the pretty appearances of service and have a very strong connection to being served on an emotional level. The problem is that they do not know how to put into words the specific types of service that really please them, only to then turn around and blame the slave because they feel that something is missing in the service.

For example the Master that sees the vision of a perfect dinner service in their minds eye. They have even gotten as far as imagining feeling that sense of pride that they will have when witnessing a room full of people being presented with beautiful service by their slave.

As a result, the slave pours all of their time, effort and, energy into not only preparing the food but planning the presentation and the ambiance of the evening. The slave is in and out of the kitchen, clothes on to block the grease splatter, and multiple cups per person to slow down anyone’s need for a refill.

But because the Master’s true emotional connection to beautiful dinner service was in the slave sitting in the corner of the dining room naked for the entire evening completely visible to their guests and holding a carafe refilling drinks, the Master walks away unfulfilled. Even though it was the Master that did not communicate their wants in the first place.

Masters that don’t know how to train their slaves.

There are some basic components found in all training whether it be in the training of people, animals, or plants. But when you look at the numbers, there are many more people that need to be trained then there are people who genuinely know how to train. Knowing how to safely and successfully train someone is in many ways its own specialty and for many, an art form.

The interesting thing is that when I talk to slaves that have left relationships where abuse was not the main component for them leaving, there is an underlying factor: the Master didn’t know how to train them from very beginning. These Masters expected the slaves to just know how to provide service and then when the slave didn’t understand the expectations and failed to provide them, they were blamed.

These are Masters that believe that slaves should already be able to know how to serve and that it is the slave’s responsibility to learn service all on their own. There is also the sometimes unspoken belief on the Master’s part that having to teach a slave what they want somehow takes away from the experience of being a Master.

The reality is it takes time and direction to learn how to personally serve someone well. Personal service is very specific, and can be overwhelming to the slave who is just learning how to serve (if they are new to service) as well as for the more experienced slave learning to serve a new Master.

I heard a story once of a Master who when they were initiating a new slave, the Master would bind and beat them until the slave gave them the sentence that they wanted. This Master would not tell the slave what they were expecting them to say and so the beating would continue until the slave figured it out.

For many Masters this trial by fire is what they consider training.

And for some slaves, that works for them.

Note here: this Master is usually single, and is always in between slaves….

But the reality is that the majority of people need a lot more then the whip to get them to be able to serve successfully. They need direction and the more specific the better. They also need time to be able to integrate these expectations into their lives. The more steps in any given part of service required, the more reinforcement and time they will need to perfect that part of service.

Relationships will succeed or fail for a number of reasons. But in Master and slave relationships, it is important to consider that the failing of the relationship does not always fall on the shoulders of the slave. We Masters, delicate creatures that we are, are not always as defined as we need to be to make service successful, or even possible.