As I look at 2012 I see the depth of the darkness that I
have never seen, and even though that is true, I can only say that 2012 was a
year of love.
When I knew it was time for my beloved Bo to go to the crossroads,
a pair of loved and cherished friends made his passing kind, and comfortable. He
passed at his home and I was able to tell stories of his life and bury him
under the big tree in the front.
When I was losing my grip on reality and I was yelling, screaming,
and shrieking, I was loved, heard, and supported by someone who should have washed
their hands of me and left.
When I was lying in bed for days paralyzed by fear my slave
saw through her own loneliness, pain, and terror. She loved me so gently, so
completely that I am still grateful for what most have been some very long days for her.
When I finally admitted that the darkness was too great and
I was losing my battle. My leather brother loved and talked to me and made me
feel safe and became my lifeline. He did not judge me, only let me know that he
was there any time day or night.
When I stopped eating and stopped talking my slave put herself
on the back burner and through her reading me stories and scratching my back and
talking so softly she gave me her light.
When I could no longer see myself as a Master, because I had failed myself, my slave, and my community,
it was my leather brother who brought
out his best Jewish accent and with love put my words back to me, so I could
see them more clearly.
When I was irrational,
insane, abusive, controlling, and manipulative I was loved and helped and listened to through
my fear, until months later I could grab onto my own sanity again.
This last year was the darkest of my adult life. If it were
not for the efforts of my slave and my chosen family who gave so much of themselves
so consistently, so lovingly, so freely I don’t know how I would have
recovered.
2012 was a year that brought me to my knees more than once. Although I will never wish to repeat that
time, I can say that I was so deeply loved during that time, and that has given
me strength.
Here is to 2013.
Hopefully this year I can give back the love that was given to me.
R.I.P. My Beloved Bo 1995-2012
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Cecilia. The heart is here. You're a lucky person.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Cecilla and ID. I really appreciate your words...
ReplyDeletethough most cannot say they have been exactly where you have walked, most can relate to the sentiment. I've been rescued by friends, family and wife. Good for you for recognizing it and appreciating it. I would say pay it forward but i know you will.
ReplyDeleteDear pepsquad,
ReplyDeletethank you so much for the kind words, I will work very hard to pay back all of the love that has been given to me. Aren't wives AWESOME?